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I came across this image out of nowhere last week and decided immediately I must find a pattern inspired by it to share.

For those unfamiliar this is not a photoshopped image from someone’s Prisoner/Star Trek crossover fanfiction, but a still from original series Star Trek episode ‘Squire of Gothos’. Wikipedia’s episode overview, ‘A powerful being torments the crew of the Enterprise’, applies to nearly any episode and is as useful as ‘Kirk disregards the Prime Directive’ or ‘A primitive society’s god is really a supercomputer’ as a distinguisher.

He’s so happy! Kirk’s just hating in the background.

So, Adam Ant teleports some of the crew down, shenanigans ensue, alien life gets punched and a computer gets smashed. There’s also swordfightery!

But this episode wasn’t just about the dudes of the crew; a lesser-known yeoman catching the villain’s eye is also thrown into the works. Aside from thinly-veiled social commentary dressed up in cheap sets, Star Trek also reflected its age in the way it portrayed women. Sure, it’s great that they even featured women working on a sort-of similar level to men, but just as often those ladies were in skimpy costumes or had to be rescued or let pesky emotions get in the way of doing their job.

Except for T’Ping. Cold As Ice.

I despaired of finding a pattern that somehow combined the weirdness of 60′s modern with sci-fi elements and a throwback to the 1800s, but then I came across Holiday Handknits. I’ll let the images speak for themselves (the Star Trek images are courtesy of Sheryl’s Star Trek Women).

(I think Mrs. Robinson’s got her eye on your boyfriend.)

(I know, I know- technically not a woman but an android.)

…Which brings us around to this week’s pattern, one of the few that embodies its era’s style while still appealing to a modern sensibility. This little crocheted number could be dressed down with a shirt underneath or dressed up with…a handful of ostrich feathers…as seen here…

Fandancing Time!

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Slouchy hats. Right now, they have achieved an omnipresence not seen since 1995′s Lollapalooza tour.

The sloppy chapeaus top celebrities, models, the fashionably disheveled, and their studied insouciance has infiltrated every college campus coast to coast. In other words, THEY ARE PLAYED OUT.

Who wants to be another floppy hat bobbing in a sea of oversized army green jackets and jeggings? The rest of this bitter season, why not stand out and prevent frostbite with a topper that’s the opposite of slouch? A jaunty little crown that perks up tall and proud and says ‘here I am world, looking vaguely like a winter milkmaid!’ I give you:

The Sports Tiara! (also a matching sweater).
I boldly predict tiaras are going to be next season’s Annie Hall hat for the ladies. Then tiaras will pass onto guys as princess cones become the ladies’ rage, and finally by the end of the Mayan Calendar both genders will be fully decked out in Miss World crowns spelling out the wearers’ names. IT’S IN THE CODEX, PEOPLE.

Seriously, stock up on sequins now.

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Now I too know the heady swirl of God-like power the New York Times’ fashion section must feel when, sitting around their gold-and-mother-of-pearl-inlaid table sipping fine brandies, they pull a whim from the ether and foist it upon the world not just as reality, but necessity. Oh, how they must laugh thinking of the poor peon sent forth to photograph whatever random absurdity they declare ‘trend’, giggling as they bar them from reentry until 6-10 photos from the millions of New Yorkers out and about on a daily basis are captured reflecting their warped view.


Celebrities are wearing them!

They’re all over the runways!

They’ve infiltrated popular culture!

They’re on Etsy!


Lucky for poor you, I have not one but several be-pommed hats to work up quickly.

(This picture is infinitely more funny if you look at each individual girls’ expression and imagine her saying “Bitch, please.”)

Bitch, PLEASE.

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Hallow’een. Eve of All Souls, night when the thin veil between living and dead is torn asunder, when the tormented spirits of Hell’s darkest corners walk the earth again wreaking vengeance upon innocent blood, when abominations of flesh stalk the land seeking fresh meat to feed their insatiable cravings, when ghouls roam free and the Devil commands! Also, free candy.

It is only fitting then, that this week’s pattern should reflect the eldritch horrors the holiday has to offer. Prepare yourselves, gird your mind against the foul, unimaginable terrors of…

OWL CROCHET! Oooooooh! Oooooooohh….

Ok, ok, I dug through all my magazines and couldn’t find a darn thing scarier than this. No skulls, no corpses, not even something close to the creepy level of these balaclavas. True, the owl sort of looks angry, but for Halloween that just doesn’t cut it. Maybe you could tat on some red thread around the beak, add on a little half-eaten felt mouse on the branch or something, I don’t know.

The title of this particular post comes from the movie ‘Gothika’, the Smurf-blue ‘horror’ film directed by Amile’s boyfriend and the sole reason Fred Durst ever got to make out with Halle Berry and ruin a Who song. On its own the film, a flashy, cheesy exercise in clichè and plot twists spotted a mile away, isn’t worth wasting your time.

However, with the director’s commentary on it’s a surreal peek into what this particular Frenchman thinks Americans think is scary. “See, we are going down zis hallway and it is bloo, because bloo is scary, and now we go around ze corner and BOO YOU ARE SCARED!” Seriously, he shouts “BOO YOU ARE SCARED!” whenever he shock-cuts or has something jump in front of the camera, so approximately every 2 minutes.

Put the ‘owl’ in ‘howlidays’.

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Another Free Pattern Friday, another silly chapeau to add to the collection. Well, it’s not really that they’re ‘silly’, it’s just that we as a society have moved towards hatlessness, for good or ill. Unfortunately I can’t recall the B noir movie it’s from, but hats were once so integral to daily life that when a foiled robber ran out of a store, police cars were advised to be on the lookout for a ‘man without hat, repeat, man without hat‘.


Head coverings are staging a comeback, and I’ll gladly do my part to stop making it look like young ladies beat up grandpas and stole a souvenir. Enjoy!

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