Ah, the long stretch of drudgery after the hectic holiday season. It’s a time of sickened overindulgence and desperate boredom in equal parts. What better moment to post pictures from my own simultaneously crammed and void seasonal stretch? Early in December, arriving home and seeing the full mass of Christmas decorations heaped on our dining room table, I felt inspired* to grab the ol’ point n’ shoot.
(*inspired = wanted to avoid getting pine sap all over me.)
Years of family history lay in tangled heaps, briefly exhumed only to be packed back up in short measure for another year’s basement exile.
This is the oldest ornament my family has, from my mom’s family. I think of her as the Sugarplum Fairy. She’s too fragile and precious to risk hanging low on the tree, easy cat bait, so we tend to hang her high. Wait, that came out wrong.
These must have been created at the behest of some well-meaning elementary school teacher – too clunky to actually hang on the tree, but with photos specifically taken for the holiday season. Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas!’ like awkward personal poses.
One small testament to the skill of Grandma Tillie, not a blood relation but our grandma’s best friend. Aside from copious canvas needlepoint, she stitched each of us stockings for our first Christmas. We still use them.
Brass and vague resemblance to ‘Love Is’. Ah, the ’70s.
I am not a dancer. Not formally, not casually. I have never felt compelled to move to any particular rhythm, don’t want to try, and experience mild terror just walking near a dance floor to get a drink for fear some well-meaning person will drag me in. I should say, try to drag me in, as standard reaction to past attempts has been to twist my arm Judo style and bolt to the nearest exit.
Dancing made me feel awkward and gangly and extremely stupid, like I had no idea how to operate the various limbs attached to me outside of walking and occasionally running. It followed that I saw no point in dancing, as from a nonparticipant’s standpoint it resembled ritualized exercise in the service of mating ritual at best and more active standing around the rest of the time. I went to exactly one dance in elementary school and was shockingly disappointed to realize the only things to do there were a) stand around and b) dance. I assumed they’d have carnival games in the hallway or activities, you know, something to actually DO while you were there. For some reason this lesson didn’t stick as I assumed the EXACT SAME THING when going to prom. And again I was shocked to find no mini-haunted house, no apple-bobbing, just a big ol’ dance with fancier dresses.
The rest of my family, however, had no problem with this strange coordinating of limbs and in fact quite enjoyed it. My mom was a disco diva through and through, with her only prom disappointment being three ‘Stairway to Heaven’ themes in a row, thanks to the stoners running prom committee. My sisters took several years of dance classes- jazz, modern, no ballet though; those kids looked like fierce automotons. I have hazy memories of attending a recital, mostly because my parents bought a video camera to tape the occasion and I was fascinated by the device. The girls grew into champions of the dance floor, absorbing new moves with ease. One sister in all seriousness wanted to be a Fly Girl when she grew up and I thought this a perfectly appropriate and possible job opportunity for her.
I, on the other hand, still flounder. While having vastly improved my Robot skills, the flailing of limbs to rhythmic beats still leaves me slightly panicky and extraordinarily self-conscious. Therefore I was shocked to discover how much I enjoy ‘Just Dance’, a Wii game, over this winter break. My mom, still loving dancing, had purchased the game as an extension of her ‘Zumba’ classes. To this day I am still unsure what Zumba is/means but was nearly driven insane listening to her class remix:
(Skip straight to 1:19 for the majority of what I was hearing. Please imagine your mother driving around shouting these lyrics at the top of her lungs while fistpumping violently).
The game is simple as its title: move along with the dancers on screen while holding a wiimote, and try not to punch your fellow gameplayers out while doing so. Through the same magic that convinced thousands playing Rock Band they were musicians, for the first time in my life I thought, huh! I can dance! And thanks to Mom’s overexuberant buying sprees, I had at my disposal Just Dance, Just Dance 2, Just Dance 3, and Just Dance: Michael Jackson Edition.
As someone with exposure to every iteration of this game in a short span, I noticed an evolution – the first ‘Just Dance’ is merely a ‘Now That’s What I call Music’ compilation brought to choreographized, rotoscoped life, aimed squarely at those who enjoy and enjoy consuming disposable pop culture, ie tween/teen girls and teen girls at heart. ‘Just Dance 2′ takes into consideration the other members of the family with songs by The Jackson 5 and The Rolling Stones for mom and dad, some Beastie Boys and Wham! for older siblings and relatives, Harry Belafonte and Quincy Jones for Nana, and…Boney M, for the historian with an appreciation for rhythm.
‘Just Dance 3′, the one I purchased, is insidious in how it considers those who would normally just sit and watch and LURES THEM IN. What be this madness where a Madness song, not even a radio hit, makes it on?! And there’s an interpretive dance thing to ‘This is Halloween’, yes, from ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’- WHAT?! Even Brahms is represented (well, as ‘played’ by the ‘Just Dance Classical Orchestra’). Well, now I’m hooked. I still don’t want to get on the dance floor, but should I have to I’m less inclined to run as I’ve become acclimated to this strange jiggling of body parts called ‘dancing’ through this silly game. Below is a breakdown of the standout hits (for me) of the game:
Madness – Night Boat To Cairo: The theme’s a little on-the-nose with mummies and a camel. Bonus points for including actual Madness dance moves including the Group Stop & Swoop and Everyone Step Together.
(For your dancing consideration.)
Donna Summer – I Feel Love: This one’s extra sneaky. You think you’re getting a straight disco song only to find they’ve crossed Klaus Nomi with Kate Bush for choreography! Plus a very Björk hairdo! Sooo fun.
Chemical Brothers – Hey Boy, Hey Girl: This is the closest I ever hope to come to a rave. Still, points for letting me dance inside the head of the glowstick set while being an extra in ‘Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See’.
A-Ha! – Take On Me: So…so much twirling.
The Sugarhill Gang – Apache (Jump On It): Thanks to a generation’s exposure to this song through ‘Fresh Prince’, they took the delightful lazy route and went with similar choreography. Best done in groups and surreptitiously filmed.
African Ladies – Pata Pata: Whee! You and a pal get to coordinate easy moves and learn the basics of body rolling!
Scissor Sisters – I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’: for when you DO feel like being sassy.
KISS – I Was Made For Lovin’ You: This song is proof positive KISS sucked at being a rock band (but excelled in self-promotion). The choreography acknowledges this and takes it to another level with line-skipping and coordinated fist-pumpery.
Robin Sparkles – Let’s Go To The Mall: A friend had to explain to me this isn’t a ‘real’ song, but a character from the TV show ‘How I Met Your Mother’s Canadian 80′s pop hit. The strangeness of a fictional character’s actual song appearing in a dance game outside its fictional reality aside, the song is indeed infectious and Canadian. Man, I hope other countries make fun of us with as few tropes as we use to mock Canadians. ‘Eh’, ‘aboot’, hockey, politeness, maybe a mullet. That’s it, that completely covers mocking Canada for the United States.
I recently learned of the existence of ‘Just Dance: ABBA’ and will be purchasing it as soon as a used copy turns up at the Bushwick Game Stop (this may be a while).
Alternate titles: Confessions of a Wii Addict, Apache: Jump On It, Dance Dance (Secret) Revolution, Indoor Jazz Hands, Strange Love or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Just Dance
This past summer some friends and I went upstate to Little Pond campground, which did indeed feature a lovely namesake watched over by bored, frightningly tan teenagers. Nearby was Big Pond campground, where things were a little more loose; there was no lifeguard telling you not to let your dog jetski or go drunk fishing.
Yes, come shop at Wally-Mart and enjoy the ice-creamed products at Dari King- totally independent shops with no affiliation to nationwide chains at all!
The Devil looks like he just got back from Burning Man.
Between the rock snot and the bear warnings, upstate New York truly impresses you with the peaceful beauty of nature.
I was kicked out of Scouts for trying to reassure an idiot bunkmate who was freaked out bears would eat us because of the handful of acorns I collected. I calmly pointed out this was silly because a) they do not really eat acorns, b) we were ‘camping’ between two highways in central Jersey, not exactly their turf and c) we were in a solid wooden shack with a lock on the door, not a flimsy tent. However, the kid’s parent was troop leader and just as dumb, and booted me out for endangering the group. With a handful of acorns. In a room just off Route 18. Ironically, I now have a constant camping phobia of bears eating me. I have not even watched Grizzly Man so there is absolutely no excuse. Imagine my terror when the first thing seen upon entering the campground was the above sign. Terrified, I asked one of the two friendly older ladies working the entry booth what we could possibly do if confronted by one of these malevolent beasts. “Oh, just wave your arms around a bunch and make a lot of noise. That usually scares ‘em off.” Ah. There hadn’t been any bear sightings at Little Pond that year, but the ladies aimed to keep it that way through the season.
Driving back home we came across a covered bridge. Take that, Madison County! Upstate New York has several, and an aficionado informed us one had been completely swept away by the flooding, only to be found downstream mostly intact. Inside, the beams were covered in years and years of carvings.
This was the oldest visible year carved in – 1937.
Memes are funny things. Once a niche term of social sciences, they’ve become part of our national lexicon, something even mom knows about.
Of course, variations on a theme existed long before they were defined by Richard Dawkins in his 1976 book, ‘The Selfish Gene’(thanks, Wikipedia), but this was a perfect confluence of a phenomenon needing a name and a word floating around sounding all sciency: the meme. Now, one cat picture passed around does not a meme make. A hundred variants of Nyancat (Mexican, Rasta, Nazi, flying over various cities, IRL, sans cat, plus Bollywood) however, is the very essence of the thing. Something grabs hold of the collective’s attention and mutates outward to all possible permutations. The result: something so far removed from the original, so rich and saturated with humanity, it becomes as strange as a fairy tale (themselves the burnished results of many hands).
Now that the lecture’s out of the way, may I have the honor to present: THE RESULTS ARE IN, a site devoted to the best moments of Maury Povich. Many of these chosen moments are not those of revelation, immediate physical violence, or fat babies stuffing their face with M&Ms. That’s far too easy (plus they have a separate site devoted to just that). No, whoever crafted (and I do use that word with care; these images were lovingly chosen out of thousands in an episode and placed together for maximum effect) these went out of their way to select that which we might have otherwise overlooked.
Several articles have cropped up touting the GIF as THE medium of the decade. I beg to differ as I’ve been a fan of the animated GIF since I found out they existed. Sure, it’s awesome now that people are using them to make wizard photos (seriously it’s like Harry Potter except shouting ‘accio remote’ still doesn’t work), but the GIF’s true genius lies in repeating a moment in time much as it might play in our heads over and over, allowing all the strangeness, harshness, silliness to play fully before our eyes. GIFs bring back that which everyone claims the internet takes away from us- that everyone sees only surface and plumbs no depths. With the GIF, all viewers become expert in a chunk of time, stretched to infinity.
And so I’d like to thank the fellow behind THE RESULTS ARE IN! for choosing only the best audience reactions, eye rolls, and weird freeze-frame facial expressions and sharing them with the world.
The weird effects of a disrupted global economy would be funny, if the causes weren’t so horrifying. The tragedy in Japan still unfolds, yet one of the repercussions has already hit America, hard. Tape stock, particularly beta (yep, the large, archaic consumer format is still an industry standard) is now severely limited due to damage and shutdown of operations at Sony’s Japanese manufacturing plants. The plants won’t reopen for at least two years, and the delay has larger entertainment companies all over panicking, hoarding and recycling what tape stock they have.
This is a strange way to filter a tragedy, though perhaps the more immediate the inconvenience is, the easier it becomes for the average person to grasp the full scope of damage. Japan suffers greatly, a year from now you don’t get to see ’30 Rock’ webisodes. It’s also no small shakes- entertainment is one of America’s largest and most successful exports, and several major studios’ workflows grinding to a halt would severely impact the American economy.
Still, it’s a bizarre side effect, that the raw material we need to send episodes of ‘Entourage’ out into the world won’t be available due to a natural disaster. We’ve felt it before on a smaller scale; the price of orange juice rising after hurricanes ravaged Florida, for example. It just highlights how fragile our modern state of existence is, how unnatural, to assume the year-round availability of products made across the globe.
I’ve posted random stuff online for several years and am happy to provide a pleasant visual forum for visitors to oggle. I hope this site offers tidbits of interest to the curious reader, and useful information for the crafty.
ALL IMAGES UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED ARE THE PROPERTY OF RARER BOREALIS. CONTENT MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED FOR PROFIT WITHOUT PERMISSION, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND ANNOY YOU. KINDLY LINK BACK IF USING AN IMAGE OR QUOTE. DANKE.
