WTF

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davecat

 

 

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Ok Facebook, I get it – according to your ads I REALLY want to bulk up and only the approval of celebrities can lure me.

Celebrities with weirdly underlit large heads, like Matt Damon and Bruce Willis (here looking like Benjamin Button).

Bruce Willis baby headMatt Damon's weirdly large head

This just looks painful, like somehow he buffed too much and now has a Ken Doll crotch.

that looks painful

And how are either of these pictures supposed to entice me? The first looks like Ghandi went aggro, and the other looks like that poor young man’s suffering from Bubble Bobble disease.

GHANDI NOOOOOOshiny boobs

Perhaps there are keywords I can start using to counteract this? Witches, ponies, sparkle fairy French foodie gentle softness? Poodle paw pat knitting Cosmopolitan fashion pretty. Silky princess babydoll kitten lash?

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I have no idea what I might have typed in to get these ads, but for some reason Facebook now thinks I am all about Hulking out. Apologies in advance for some of the the tininess, but I know not where the larger versions of these ridiculous images come from.

It started with this, a fairly standard Photoshopped Ryan Reynolds, still within the parameters of human possibility, accompanied by a query asking how serious I am about muscle mass.

beefy2

I did find the original image of this, for comparison:
ryan-reynolds-birthday_2

 

Then these two monstrosities popped up one after the other:
wtf

beefy1

What is more hilarious, the ponderous expression of the first guy, or the sheer physical impossibility/arm immobility of both their anatomy? Wait, no, it’s how tiny both their heads look in comparison to their giant racks!

The only mass I currently care about is how many Solar units it takes to kick off a black hole via the Schwarzchild equation, Facebook. Are people really into this? I mean, I know people are interested in achieving large muscles, but just like there are several ridiculously idealized female forms, is this actually an ideal held up for guys?

The Annual Harrogate Autumn Flower Show

Yes, these are the questions to ponder sitting around the table with your family, tearing into a turkey leg. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Wait, one more from the above-linked article – look at this guy’s worshipful expression:
The Annual Harrogate Autumn Flower Show

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The wild reaction to Jeremy Scott’s Bart sweater set said less about enthusiasm for his aesthetic (which appears to be the brain of a 1995-era 13-year-old looking at a Delia’s catalogue, made real) and more about the still-rampant popularity of the Simpsons. The current ’90s’ obsession (and I say this in quotes as the younger set has somehow blinded themselves to the time’s prevalence of JNCOs and waffle knits)  and fondness for the Simpsons resulted in a perfect storm of want.

Bootlegs of the Jeremy Scott design likely hit the market seconds after its debut, and with Simpsons bootlegs themselves a time-honored tradition, it’s hard to begrudge their existence. Where formerly Simpsons bootlegs were 50/50 underrepresented groups using Bart as voice and icon/Chinese manufacturers seeking to capitalize any sudden burst of popularity with little understanding of the symbolism, today it’s a small sliver of all-too conscious designers carefully manipulating Bart’s odd combination of major corporate mascot and bad-boy outsider status to bolster their own credibility, and a LOT more of the Chinese-random-stuff-algorithm churning out goods in response to response.

A slight digression – it’s interesting to note the new wave of designers capitalizing on the Simpsons and what they’ve meant still hew mostly to Bart designs, with a few Homers and Milhouses thrown in. Homer’s too much of an adult for ‘the kids’ to appreciate his utter lack of responsibility to anything tied to being an adult (a later development in what Dead Homer Society refers to as ‘Jerkass Homer’). Milhouse makes sense as a newer development – he’s the outsider’s outsider even within the Simpsons world – second banana to Bart, too much of a nerd to be an underachiever, too much of a loser to join the other nerds. Still no focus on Lisa or Marge, as they represent the moral core of the show (pretty much the opposite of  beloved male irresponsibility fantasy stand-ins like Homer, Peter Griffin, Cartman, etc.), but I’m surprised there’s not more Maggie, as she would’ve been the age of many of the whippersnappers currently sporting this gear, was always somewhat of an enigma, and certainly in her Harpo way was another rebellious badass in the family.

Anyway. This is all a long-winded way of saying now that the Jeremy Scott sweater hype’s had a year or two to stew, the strange permutation bootlegs are finally coming up – copies of copies of copies made with no reference to the original, weird evolutions of imagery put out into the world. Behold:

Here’s a photo that I believe was used for reference, taken at an odd angle of the Bartman logo translated to knitwear…

Bart Sweater B

 

This photo from a magazine shows a bootleg of the bootleg, with jagged lettering and weird perspective…

bart sweater A

Note the wonkiness in the eyes…

Bart Sweater A

 

This same photo from earlier was used in ANOTHER sweater post, claiming THIS….

Bart Sweater B

 

…is the same sweater as THIS:

Bart Sweater C

 

Don’t get me wrong, this sweater certainly has its own weird charm, plus it looks like a drawing from Hyperbole and a Half. But it is DEFINITELY not a straight-up Bartman sweater. I can only wonder where the next mutation will go.

Bart Sweater C

 

Ned's New Master Bedroom

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Hey guys, I’m terribly sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately, Civilization is over. Not yet completely collapsed, mind you – for a brief time civilization will lumber onward on sheer momentum – but the event horizon of its destruction has been crossed, the decline well on its way. Prepare yourselves well for the coming collapse.

How do I know this? Behold:

teeny weeny bikinis

sexxxxxy phone

Skimming ebay, I came across this auction for “Sexy Thongs Bikini Briefs Case Cover For Protect iphone 4 / 4S / 5 Home Key”. It’s not just that someone thought up, designed, manufactured and is now selling tiny bikini bottoms for your inanimate portable computer that tolls the bell for humanity, it’s that this very auction has 20 watchers and 22 SOLD“What….why….WHY?!” you might ask. The auction helpfully explains:

“Designed to cover the home button and charging ports whilst giving your smart phone a sexy look.”

There you go. Achewood came surprisingly close to predicting this very day, and I presume if people are paying actual currency to imply their phone has genitalia they’re covering up, the full reveal of phone nuts cannot be far behind. The sheer variety of these rubber gewgaws has disturbing implications of shades and varieties of people who would want this object, from gaming nerds to girly-girls. An appeal to fashionistas with a Comme De Garcons ripoff further suggests this would appeal to all strata of consumer (which again, Achewood called with ChatSack by Karl Lagerfeld).

Look upon what the world has become, and despair.

stretchy

pink

red snake

Red-snake sounds like a terrible double-entendre.

skull

eyes

 

This, this is truly the most disturbing part. I’ve seen it happen before, where a stupid idea is birthed unto the world, takes on a life of its own, and begins mutating. Give it a year or two and the trend becomes so far removed from the original if looked at as a stand-alone the mind boggles at how this object came to be. This is only the beginning, people.

boxer briefs

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