Occasionally I am gripped by some inexplicable madness leading me to seek knowledge and experiences no man should dare speak of, never mind know. Such is what led me to eat more than 5 different types of fried food in a row on the boardwalks of Wildwood, see a Weston/Less Than Jake show, and watch ‘National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ and ‘Doom’ in theaters THE DAY THEY CAME OUT. Tonight, I wondered to myself- what could the worst fanfiction out there possibly be?
See, this presumes that a) there is good fanfiction and b) that the fanfiction community has some sort of value setting attached to its works. I don’t know about the first, since if anything’s really that good you should either be writing for the show or creating your own characters, and while my ‘good’ hinges on solid storytelling and character development, for many in the fanfic world ‘good’ hinges on the amount of detail in describing beloved characters shirtless and/or as centaurs. However, fanfiction writers DO have a qualitative sense of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ relative to their hermetic obsessions, and it is to their judgement I defer in presenting the WORST fanfiction. ‘Bad’ fanfiction, from what I can see, falls into three major categories: Crossovers That Shouldn’t Be, Things That Shouldn’t Be Erotic, and Writing Without Grasp of the English Language. Here we go.
Crossovers That Shouldn’t Be
Anne Frank meets Goku from DragonForce Z
Goku smirked, then said “It’s come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men. If you admit defeat now, I’ll kill you rather painlessly.” Goku had the definite advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically. The mustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde color, and his brown eyes turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then finally said “Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!”
Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.”
This one delivers on the promise inherent in the title. Hitler. Super Saiyan. Man, I hate DragonBall Z.
Bowser’s Mexico Adventure
“Bowser was about to grumble a response when he heard a friendly, familiar voice on the line.
Joel: Hello? Who am I speaking with?
Bowser: Hey Bro! It’s Wet Bowser!
Joel: Hey! How long’s it been, man?!
Bowser: Too long, too long… What’ve you been up to?
Joel: Oh, you know, just watching some movies with the Bots and getting ready for our next invention exchange, how about you?
Bowser: Well, I was just finishing up my gardening today and I got a letter in the mail… I’m goin’ on a free vacation! And you’re coming along! Bring the Bots, too!”
Who…why….MST3K and Bowser….sigh.
Things That Shouldn’t Be Erotic
There’s an entire community dedicated to Jurassic Park erotic fanfiction, The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer’s Association. The site has a midi version of the themesong and even a cute lil’ icon:
There we are! I’m fairly sure this one HAS to be a joke, as few of the stories are finished, the spelling and grammar are decent, and I’d like to believe this stuff doesn’t actually exist as someone’s idea of ‘erotica’:
“With each thrust now harder, rougher and faster, resulting in a damp thudding sound from the beast’s throat, Malcolm’s grip tightened, as he rushed towards the endgame. Blood was just beginning to drip from the creature’s jaw as Malcolm exploded his unspliced, Mosquito free DNA down its throat and screamed “CHAOS THEORY!!!” at the top of his lungs.”
The line ‘must go faster’ has an unfortunate new meaning. DAMN YOU INTERNET!
WHYYYYYY. Even if it’s a joke, someone still wrote it and someone in the world’s probably going to be turned on by it. Oh, internet.
It’s All Too Much
Aaaaand this is why I can’t dismiss anything outright. Here is an absolutely serious fanfic about the author (Jen) getting Paul McCartney pregnant. Yep. Macca’s pregnant and yet he and Jen still get it on plenty up until the very painful cesarean birth. Also they get married at the end <3 ^-^. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY?
Writing Without Grasp of the English Language
legolas by laura
If it weren’t for the occasional ‘FEW HOURS LATER’, this entire story would be one long run-on sentence.
“Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said”Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister”and then Gandalf said”I did not know aswell”.Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said”I’ll get her for you sir”and then the Dark lord said”yes you can”.
I like the upbeat tone the Dark Lord sets for his pinions. Unfortunately the story takes a weird turn into ‘Law & Order: SVU’ territory in one long, rambling paragraph:
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said”Laura are you in there”and then Laura said”Oh Legolas you finally came”and then Legolas said”are you alright”and then Laura said”no I am not alright”and then Legolas said”they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion”and then Laura said”how did you know that”.Then Legolas said”when I was your age they did the samething to me”.Then Laura said”can you get me out of here”and then Legolas said”ok stand back”and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
Laura said”wow”and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked”and then Legolas said”why they did it to you not me”and then the Orcs came and said”because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys”.
Then the fright began”
Really? Mine began with the thought a middle-aged mom wrote this between yelling at her brood somewhere in Indiana. Oh, and just in case you weren’t completely scarred:
I love that the person included their cat in the torture dungeon.
Actually typing in ‘worst fanfiction ever’ yields one general answer across all fanfiction boards- the vaguely Harry Potter-ish ‘My Immortal’. Less about Harry Potter and more about what this particular goth girl, excuse me, vampire, is wearing, the story veers wildly between completely illegible nonsense and some of the most hilariously bad writing since I was signed up to a Christopher Pike fanfic email ring back in 1997 (yep, again, reread the first sentence of this post.)
The story is here in its entirety- My Immortal, but if you just want a taste, here’s a sample of the text:
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.”
I am heretofore using the word ‘flirtily’ as an adverb. Uh, actually this is so bad, a few more examples are warranted (trust me, taking them in or out of context is equally bad):
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.”
“He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.”
““Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.”
I’m sure if you’re a middle school creative writing teacher you probably want to commit hara-kiri over how badly adverbs get mangled but for me this is pure gold.
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.”
Voldemort suddenly speaks Ren Faire and rides a broomstick. Huh. Oh also, Harry Potter goes by the name ‘Vampire’ in this story. To clarify, he is NOT a vampire, but has merely taken the name of such, while Ebony, or Enoby (it’s spelled either way throughout) IS actually a vampire/student at Hogwarts.
““What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”"
Remember that book ‘C D B’, where you’d sound out the letters and they’d form a sentence? Yeah, reading that really prepped me for this person’s way of communicating that which her friend did not spell check.
““What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.””
Oh, snap, Snap! Though, how is being a Satanist mutually exclusive from being a Hogwarts student? Why am I even asking this deep into something where logic has no place? After chapter 5 the author’s spellchecking friend took a hike and half the hilarity comes from malapropisms flying fast and furious, such as the intro to Chapter 14:
“WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.”
I do wonder if this is perhaps the work of someone well versed in teen girl angst fanfiction, as some of this is almost too over the top to be real:
“Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.
“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.”
See, it toes the line between ‘making fun’ stupid and ‘no, this is really the future of the country’ stupid. Also, a later name drop of ‘Shark Attack 3′ hints towards a particularly tenacious joker.
““OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.
“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.”
aaaand, one more malapropism:
““So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily.
“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”
Ahh, I’m going to go weep and laugh hysterically for the next hour or so.
