bulking up

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Ok Facebook, I get it – according to your ads I REALLY want to bulk up and only the approval of celebrities can lure me.

Celebrities with weirdly underlit large heads, like Matt Damon and Bruce Willis (here looking like Benjamin Button).

Bruce Willis baby headMatt Damon's weirdly large head

This just looks painful, like somehow he buffed too much and now has a Ken Doll crotch.

that looks painful

And how are either of these pictures supposed to entice me? The first looks like Ghandi went aggro, and the other looks like that poor young man’s suffering from Bubble Bobble disease.

GHANDI NOOOOOOshiny boobs

Perhaps there are keywords I can start using to counteract this? Witches, ponies, sparkle fairy French foodie gentle softness? Poodle paw pat knitting Cosmopolitan fashion pretty. Silky princess babydoll kitten lash?

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I have no idea what I might have typed in to get these ads, but for some reason Facebook now thinks I am all about Hulking out. Apologies in advance for some of the the tininess, but I know not where the larger versions of these ridiculous images come from.

It started with this, a fairly standard Photoshopped Ryan Reynolds, still within the parameters of human possibility, accompanied by a query asking how serious I am about muscle mass.

beefy2

I did find the original image of this, for comparison:
ryan-reynolds-birthday_2

 

Then these two monstrosities popped up one after the other:
wtf

beefy1

What is more hilarious, the ponderous expression of the first guy, or the sheer physical impossibility/arm immobility of both their anatomy? Wait, no, it’s how tiny both their heads look in comparison to their giant racks!

The only mass I currently care about is how many Solar units it takes to kick off a black hole via the Schwarzchild equation, Facebook. Are people really into this? I mean, I know people are interested in achieving large muscles, but just like there are several ridiculously idealized female forms, is this actually an ideal held up for guys?

The Annual Harrogate Autumn Flower Show

Yes, these are the questions to ponder sitting around the table with your family, tearing into a turkey leg. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Wait, one more from the above-linked article – look at this guy’s worshipful expression:
The Annual Harrogate Autumn Flower Show

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