This weekend past I went to the mall with the female contingent of my family. We had an enjoyable time, and I had the odd experience of hearing Ministry playing in Abercrombie & Fitch(‘Everyday is Halloween’, appropriate, but still weird). Unfortunately our capitalist outing was marred by a visit to Bath & Body Works. And not in the usual way, where I become the family tester and end up walking out blinded by sprays and chased by bees. No, from a distance I knew there was something wrong.
The entire place was swathed in fake snow and plastic pine trees. The eerily cheerful greeters, always terrifying in their enthusiasm, were pushing lotions like ‘Sugar Plum’ and ‘Gingerbread House’. I’d stepped through a temporal vortex and straight into the heart of Christmas. What the hell?
Even my mom, who enjoys the holiday, was nonplussed. She asked one of the greeters (busy pushing some peppermint lip balm on my sister) why they were pretending it was a month later. Apparently that’s the new marketing tactic; Bath and Body Works is sooooo popular for detached, token gift giving to people you don’t really know but have to acknowledge that they’ve decided to make it easier by giving us more holiday shopping time! Isn’t that thoughtful? Don’t you just love it? Don’t you want to try a basketful of ‘Moonlit Garden’-scented products? Eh?
This upset my mom, whose favorite holiday is the fairly incorruptible Thanksgiving. Sure, it encourages gluttony and sloth, but at the heart it’s essentially a food and family holiday. That’s it. Non-denominational, really, and the most political you can get about it is toting it as celebrating the triumph of capitalism over communism. Aside from food though, you can’t really sell Thanksgiving. Halloween, either. That’s pretty much a candy and costumes holiday, straight through, with emphasis on debauchery and evil. Woo! But you can’t sell it.
It’s not just Bath and Body. Every store this season seems to be participating in this annoying trend of pushing Christmas earlier and earlier. And Hanukkah too, aka Christmas Lite. Crikey. Dollars to donuts says you’ll be hearing muzak carols before turkey time comes around.
What can you do? I, for one REFUSE to participate. If they’re going to try and shove it down my throat, I’m going to pretend it’s not there. I’ll celebrate Festivus, for one thing, and for another, I AM NOT BUYING ANYONE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. That’s right. If you know me and are reading this, I’m not buying you squat. I would encourage reciprocation but I am, at heart, materialistic(stuff is so neat!).
Instead, I’m going to make you something. I don’t know what it is yet, and some hints would be nice, but I will craft you something loveable or interesting with my two little hands. Just let me know what you’d like. I’m proficient in knitting, sewing, crocheting, sculpting, dollmaking, haberdashery, jewelrymaking, carving, editing, metalworking, candlemaking, animating, collage, hairwork, molding, and puppet-making. I am not so adept at cooking, baking, or calligraphy, but if you insist I would prefer it to giving in to a giant marketing scam.
Happy Halloween, and may the Great Pumpkin find your patch most sincere.
