Maybe you think you’re a patriotic citizen of the greatest country in the world. Perhaps this weekend you’re planning a barbecue, possibly with some fireworks after, in honor of the birth of the land of the free and home of the brave. Maybe you even went that extra mile and made a Jell-o cake in the shape of the Stars and Stripes. YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAINT YOURSELF PINK, COMMIE, because NONE OF THAT comes ANYWHERE CLOSE to the greatest tribute to the American spirit ever seen.
That’s right. Today, Wednesday, June 30th (AHEAD OF SCHEDULE in showing love for the country, by the way) is Mile Long Hoagie Day. “Hoagies aren’t patriotic!” you feebly cry. SHAME ON YOU! Let’s count the ways in which Mile Long Hoagie Day reeks of sweet Americana:
1) The actual hoagie will be a mile and a quarter long (ostentatious foodstuffs!)
2) It begins at the Rocky Statue… (America loves an underdog!)
3) In front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art (disdain for foofery and book learnin’!)
4) Firefighters and police are involved somehow!
5) It’s in Philly, home of the Liberty Bell and other historical stuff! This also means there’s a likely chance of drunken rioting and car-flipping, and what’s more American than that?
USA! USA! USA!
