With the passing of Labor Day, hundreds of thousands of children find themselves corralled back in school for another season of doodling, social awkwardness, and reading books where innocent animals die at the end. Many claim today’s schools are nothing more than the worst combination of babysitter and jail, a holding pen for sexed-up no-goodniks hell-bent on destroying everything good and decent their parents worked for.
Apparently this opinion’s been in vogue since the 1950s, as a teensploitation film catering to and shaking a finger at the target market comes out pretty much every 5 years. Most feature a well-meaning teacher entering a vortex of chaos. Some, like ‘Lean On Me’, ‘To Sir, With Love’, and that Coolio video for ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ show how with empathy and trust, even the violentest student can be won over. Others, such as this week’s Blackboard Jungle, focus more on beating the ever-living daylights out of the little punks:
(Still better than ‘Class of 1999′.)
But you needn’t spend 8 hours crammed in a desk next to gum snappers and kids who smell of sour milk to enjoy the benefits education confers! Why, in today’s modern, internet-based society, you can attend Youtubeniversity! Yes, that is a terrible word and I’m sorry. All the classes are covered! There’s Government:
“We needed weenies. Mr. Brown had weenies. It’s as simple as that!”
Science: “Would it work with real money?” Burning money?! SHE’S A COMMIE! Strap her down and make her watch the capitalism movie!
Art and Music:
English: “How many Eagles? Count them!” More people would pay attention to poetry if it was read by T.S. Eliot. I mean, Monty Python makes this seem like it’s a bad thing!
And, unfortunately, Gym: