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For those of you living in the New York area, Guy Maddin’s latest cinematic work, ‘The Brand Upon The Brain!’, will be performed live with accompanying narration starting this week at Village Cinema East. I’m angling for this Wednesday’s 9:30pm screening with guest narrator Crispin Glover, as I was quite delighted with his readings before his own ‘What Is It?’.

Tickets are going for the rather steep asking price of $30, but this does cover an hour and a half’s worth of entertainment both live and projected. If you’ve not seen the works of Guy Maddin before, I highly recommend ‘The Saddest Music In The World’ and ‘Dracula: Pages From A Virgin’s Diary’. His shorts are myriad and viewable on YouTube; click here for his ‘Heart Of The World’ in unfortunately poor image quality.

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Having about 2 hours to kill and still not enjoying the fake dogwood arrangement before me, I have some questions I felt were missing from that poorly written internet movie quiz thing.

A) Favorite cameo by Satan in a movie/TV show?

B) What is the most stereotypically French film you’ve watched?

C) Best use of metal music in a film/tv show not ostensibly about metal?

D) What’s your favorite unexpected explosion in cinema?

E) Fish or Cut Bait?

F) Who are your favorite twins in movies/TV?

G) Worst use of death in a children’s movie?

My answers to the above are
a) Terrence Stamp in ‘In the Company of Wolves’

b) Le Samourai

c) The scene in ‘Wild At Heart’ where Sailor and Lula get out of their car and spazz-dance,

d) a toss-up between the sheep explosion in ‘Bad Taste’ and the head explosion at the end of Judas Priest’s video for ‘You Got Another Thing Coming’(his pants fall off as well),

e) cut bait,

f) Beverly and Eliot Mantle in ‘Dead Ringers’, and

g) Jack Frost, wherein Michael Keaton’s character dies in a car accident, only to come back as a snowman.

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Matt suggested I try this thing so here goes.

1. Movies You’ve Seen Recently:
The Scorpion King. I let the TNT network do the thinking for me that night. Also Zodiac, which I saw with an audience clearly expecting ‘Se7en’. As we left, one dude looked at his girlfriend and said “I feel like kicking my own ass for watching this shit for 3 hours.”

2. Movies You’re Looking Forward To?:
Hot Fuzz. I’ve been tracking this one since it was a mere twinkle in the director’s eye, right up to last month’s English premire with a double billing of ‘Point Break’ and ‘Bad Boys 2′. Also, now that I know of its existence, National Treasure 2: The Search For Lincoln’s Gold. Seriously, Nick Cage and the gang set out to find the real motives behind Lincoln’s assasination.

Back in college there was a class where everyone pitched their script ideas and the rest of us would offer suggestions or comments. It was usually an exercise in futility as the stories were either unsalvageably bad or the student wouldn’t take an ounce of criticism as his idea was perfection and we mongoloids couldn’t understand his brilliant vision. However, this one seriously red-headed kid whose name (of course) I can’t remember pitched a story about this woman Mary Todd Lincoln thought Abe was having an affair with. In a very ‘Crying Game’ move it turns out the woman Lincoln falls for was actually John Wilkes Boothe and there were whole subplots about espionage and subterfuge and deeply felt romance. Everyone else thought it was a comedy but this kid was deadly earnest. I thought it would’ve been great.

3. Favorite “Bad Marriage” Movie?
‘Bad Marriage’ is a category now? I feel like I’m compelled to answer ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe’ even though I never saw it. Divorce, Italian Style was pretty charming, but the whole point was that he didn’t really have a bad marriage, he just wanted out.

4. Favorite Terminal Disease Film?
The Fly

5. Favorite Film that Tells a Story Backwards or Messes with the Timeline?:
I enjoyed Primer; they didn’t make time travel some obvious gimmick or special effect, and it felt like what time travel would look like to a person experiencing it in the real world.

6. Favorite Sam Peckinpah Movie?
I’m going to say The Wild Bunch because that’s the only one of his I’ve seen all the way through.

7. Favorite Orson Welles Film?
I’m not answering this until I see everything the man’s done.

8. Least Favorite Movie That’s in Love with Itself?:
. They had ‘I’m coming to a realization’ theme music.

9. Strangest Masturbation Scene in a Film?
There are normal ones?

10. Favorite Vampire-Themed Film?
Whoever wrote these questions had a 3rd grader’s grasp of the English language. I’ll go with Dracula, Pages from a Virgin’s Diary, because it’s vampire-themed ballet with an actual vampire in it.

11. Favorite “One Night Stand” Film?
This is not a category of film. All I can think of is Barbarella. She seemed to love them and leave them a few times.

12. Favorite Comedian Turned Filmmaker?
Buster Keaton.

13. Favorite Campy 60′s Film?
That 2001: A Space Oddyssey was a real hoot.

14. What Country, Other than America, Do You think Has Produced the Best Films?:
Germany‘s got the edge because of its wonderful Impressionist period…France has co-produced some of my favorite films, and I am partial to directors like Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Patrice Leconte…plus they help bank David Lynch. Yeah, I guess it’s France. I still hate Godard though.

15. What movie star that at one point was bankable (not now but at least one point) do you think is an indisputable bad actor?
I cannot fathom the appeal of Meg Ryan. Especially that brief period where she attempted ‘dramatic’ roles. Actually, same goes for Sandra Bullock. How do these women tug on America’s heartstrings? I’ve felt more kindly towards Ms. Ryan since that blowfish stung her face.

16. Best Delivery of Bad Dialogue:
Dammit, Matt already slam-dunked this one. Ah well.

17. Favorite Western?:
The Misfits. It’s so hard to bear though, like you’re watching the genre die. And you’re actually watching Clark Gable die; that movie pretty much did him in.

18. Favorite Film Noir Chicks?:
I’m partial to Barbara Stanwyck in ‘Double Indemnity’, but for pure bitchy evil I’ll go with Jane Greer in ‘Out of the Past’. She is stone-cold.

19. Pick a Genuinely Great Film from a Director that Critics Usually Laugh At:
‘Savage’ Steve Holland’s Better Off Dead. Most critics lump it in with the plethora of crap comedies shoved out in the 80′s, but this one’s got everything that made them great- silly animation, dark humor, stereotypes, John Cusack, highschools…I will say the same for Weird Science. While John Hughes is acknowledged, most critics don’t think too highly of his work.

20. Favorite Case of Alcoholism in a Movie:
The Big Lebowski‘s choice of White Russians is a brave move forward for Hollywood perceptions of liquors.

21. Favorite Movie on Slavery (besides ROOTS):
Battlefield Earth

22. Favorite Man VS. Machine Sci-Fi Flick?:
Is this a joke? Terminator 2. Except there’s not a man in sight. It’s woman vs. Terminator vs. T-1000 vs. kid. As Axle would say, suck on that.

23. Favorite Non-Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western?:
Between the dragging coffin and the happily gratuitous muddy catfight, ‘Django’ is big on pain and low on plot in the best way possible. Plus it has a great non-Morricone score. ‘Djangooooo!’

24. Favorite Mad Scientist Movie?
If you made a list of best Mad Scientists I wonder how many times Jeff Goldblum’s name would pop up? I’ll go with Re-Animator because the mad scientist steals the show, even from the standard topless chick in danger and ‘hunky’ lead. Dr. West is completely focused on getting results.

25. Favorite “Scream Queen”

26. Marilyn Monroe Vs. Jayne Mansfield?:
How about James Dean vs. Montgomery Clift?

27. Favorite Film with a Religious Nut?:
If Aguirre were a religious zealot and not about manifest destiny I’d say ‘Aguirre, Wrath of God’. But I suppose I’ll stick with Carrie. Nothing says ‘I love Jesus’ like “Pimples are the Lord’s way of chastising you.”

28. Favorite Film about a Person Looking for a New Start?:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Splinter works to create a new life for himself and goes from beloved pet to benevolent father figure.

29. Favorite Film Sensitive to Improving Women’s Status in Society?
Again, Terminator 2. You can’t just sit around waiting for your future-soldier to come back and bust you out of the laughing academy, you have to steal that paper clip and do it yourself! Look at the first ‘Terminator’-she goes from meek waitress to efficient(except for the breakdowns) killing machine! If that’s not an improvement I don’t know what is. Plus, the machines show us a future where all are equally terminable.

30. Favorite “Dramatic Courtroom Speech” in a Moive
The end of Pauly Shore’s Jury Duty is a moving tribute to the common man’s overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of so many abstract ideals. His humor is an attempt to bring a sense of the concrete and real to himself and those around him.
“If a small taco is a taquito, then a small judge… must be a Judge Ito!”

31. Favorite movie about a hit man?
Gross Pointe Blank
, because it’s pretty much Lloyd Dobbler using his martial arts skills to deadly effect.

32. Favorite Drag Queen Film?:
Female Trouble
. She wants CHA-CHA HEELS!!

33. Favorite Italian Crime Flick?
The Conformist.

34. Mainstream Network Television Show that is Actually Awesome?:
I enjoy The Office, and liked Arrested Development before it was cancelled. I haven’t gotten full verification they’re Actually Awesome, though.

35. Upcoming remake that you are actually extremely excited about?
Citizen Kane II: Slay Ride.

36. Best performance in a single episode of a TV series? (post-2000, excluding guest stars)
Screw excluding guest stars. Dave Matthews(yes, of the Dave Matthews Band) playing the special-est piano savant on ‘House’. The urge to describe all his symptoms as the result of ‘he eats too much, he drinks too much!’ was far too stupid to resist.

37. Best overall performance in a TV series (post-2000, excluding guest stars)
It’s a toss-up between Will Arnett as Gob and Tony Hale as Buster on Arrested Development.

Buster: You mean, you can wear stripper clothes when you’re not stripping?

G.O.B.: You tell me.

38. Best “channeling” of someone else’s performance by an actor or actress?
The brave men and women of the Academy of Motion Pictures who reenacted ‘Saving Private Ryan’ as an interpretive dance for the Oscars.

39. Favorite Robert Mitchum performance?
He was great in Night of the Hunter and ‘Out of the Past’, though he was downright creepy in ‘Cape Fear’.

40. Favorite STAR TREK villain?
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! Actually I’ll go with the hippies who hijacked the Enterprise and jammed with Spock.

41. Best mockumentary?
It’s a toss-up between Spinal Tap and The Martha Stewart Story.

42. Favorites: Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee?
Christopher Lee’s outdistanced everyone in sheer output. What is he up to, 340 films?

43. Best performance of a sexually repressed servant of God?
Ted Haggard. Good on you man, you’ve been ‘cured’.

44. Most depressing cinematic experience?
. Never for the love of God let your children watch this movie. Three teenage girls weeping at this needlessly cruel and indifferent film, and we were merely screening it to see if it was suitable for a 4th grade class.

45. Most well-made exploitation film?
It’s not really a film, but that episode of ’90210′ where Donna loses her virginity. Her father specially directed that one, and it was replete with dream imagery straight out of ‘November Rain’.

46. Favorite Shakespearean film?
A toss-up between Much Ado About Nothing, with special appearances by Keeanu Reeves and Michael Keeton, and Polanski’s Macbeth.

The former would seem to have nothing on the extremely intense latter, but keep in mind it’s Keeanu Reeves attempting lines like: “I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace, in this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied but I am a plain-dealing villain. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking: in the meantime let me be that I am and seek not to alter me.” Whoa.

Actually wait, I take both of those back, I think my favorite version of ‘Macbeth’ was one starring Ian McKellan and Judi Dench. Everything was stark black and white save for the blood, costumes, props, lighting and camera moves were kept near-minimal, and yet it was an extremely compelling version.

47. Favorite performance by a teenage girl in a film?
I have to concur with Matt that the lass playing Valerie in Valerie and Her Week of Wonders did an outstanding job. I enjoyed the performance of both girls in Ginger Snaps, though the younger sister did an especially good job. Nuts to movies like ‘Thirteen’, where teenage girls are pictured as drug-addled raving lunatics, even if they are sometimes.

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“Let’s do one shot every time Nicholas Cage punches a woman! Oh, hey, I’m dead.”

(overheard conversation between clerks at the video store)

I indulged in purchasing the original ‘Wicker Man’ (though not the sweet special edition in the wooden box), two Val Lewton double features, and ‘Kiss Me Deadly’, unfortunately with the new ‘found footage’ ending. I want an abrupt and enigmatic ending, confound it! If the original was good enough for David Lynch, it’s good enough for me. I would’ve bought ‘Wings of Desire’ but figured I can save the pretension for when I’ve the bucks to back it.

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Just a wee reminder to all you folks out there: Crispin Glover’s delightfully entertaining Big Slide Show is coming to New York City this weekend! Go buy your tickets up at Anthology Film Archives right now!

I most highly recommend attending, not only to experience Mr. Glover up close and personally, but to see ‘What Is It?’, part one of an epic tryptich. Aside from the expected strangeness, the film contains a number of ingenuous and charming moments, such as when Mr. Glover attempts to rouse the jealousy of a young lady by declaring the other his girlfriend.

For those who cannot attend, perhaps this will stem your disappointment:

Truly you must click upon it to witness the full glory of its randomness.

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