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A gorgeous Fall weekend before Halloween. What better time for a road trip to the site of young America’s shameful cave-in to fear,  Salem! Yes, Salem, Massachusetts, place where the witch trials of 1692 sort-of happened. Most of the real action took place in nearby Danvers (formerly Salem Village), with only two direct ties to Salem proper, but why let ‘facts’ or ‘history’ get in the way of Salem’s current existence as an amazingly cheesy tourist trap?

When traveling to New England, this is what’s expected. Wide expanses of ocean under icy blue skies, distant islets, proper trees all the way up to the water. Ships with rigging. Fishing crews.  Houses and people of a modest, solid mein, strong and conservative. Possibly Stephen King, if you go up far enough north.

New Englanders are very proud of their history; even here on this beach, within earshot of three locals complaining about The Government messing with their business we saw a Historical Rock.

I have my doubts about the rock’s historic value.

Our first stop was a sign of things to come- an enormous thrift store filled with gewgaws and knicknacks heaped at random filled with crowds in costumes and hats, and nary a thing to do with witches save for ridiculous haberdashery.

Perhaps going to the self-proclaimed Witch City during peak season was not the smartest idea, but we came for campy, corny Witchery and damned if we weren’t going to get it! So, witches ahoy!

Or not. Here you see one of the only direct ties Salem has with the witch trials- the Witch House. Not actually belonging to anyone accused, nor even haunted, the house belonged to one of the judges presiding over the trials. Inside you see the horrors of tourists wandering confused through a properly recreated historical dwelling! Ooooooh!

Whoever runs the place must’ve realized just a house would’ve had folks crying foul, so they spiced it up a bit with lore and a tableau of medical techniques of the era, including this page from a treatise on illnesses:

Winthrop’s Black Powder

“My black powder against the plague, small-pox; purples, all sorts of feavers; Poyson, either, by Way of Prevention or after Infection.” This marvellous remedy was made by putting live toads into an earthen pot so as to half fill it, and baking and burning them “in the open ayre, not in an house,: –John Winthrop the Younger

Ok, so the Witch House was a bust. We still had the Witch Museum, Salem Witch Museum, Witch History Museum, and Witch’s Dungeon to check out. Witches ahoy!

This is the best welcome ever.

The streets were packed with costumed performers yelling, ‘reenacting’ and generally doing whatever they could to get unwary tourist to sign up for their Magic Show or Haunted  Tour.

This mask is spooky for a whole different set of reasons than its sellers intended.

Ok, no witches so far, but what’s this? Tiny folk terrorized by a wee ship? That’s right, it’s…

The Pirate Museum! While witches mostly corner the market in Salem, New England has a rich history of piracy up and down its coast that also makes for excellent tourist trapping.

This beardy bedazzled fellow and….whatever the hell that thing is stood outside posing for photos. Once inside, we saw the first of many decaying, anatomically incorrect mannequins. Here my friend poses with a dapper looking fellow who…I don’t know, I think he got caught on his second pirating venture out or something. I was too stunned by the construction and set-up to pay close attention to names and dates.

Here sits The Saddest Pirate.

Our tour guide, the bandanna’d fellow on the steps, regaled us with tales of the most notorious pirates in local waters.

Here we see a classic Pirate game of Bridge.

And here, a barwench stops a drunken Captain from hitting on a mounted deer head.

For the guy not about to be hung this fellow looks awfully surprised. I believe that’s supposed to be Cotton Mather, who tried and failed to get William Fly to repent before dying.

Here be William Fly, a pirate unrepentant to the end. Calm throughout sentencing he became animated and upset upon approaching the gallows – the hangman had tied the noose with the wrong knot. A sailor worth his salt, Fly retied the noose properly and placed it around his own neck, chiding the hangman while doing so. While many a pirate warned of the grave dangers of drink, godlessness, piracy, and other moral lessons in hopes of catching a last minute reprieve, Fly instead warned Captains not to treat their men cruelly as piracy would surely result.

And here be the body of William Kid, gibbeted and hung for over 20 years on the Execution Dock in London as a warning to other would-be pirates. Kid denied being a pirate up to his dying day, and after his first hanging failed, many believed it a divine sign from God he was telling the truth. Not that it mattered to the judge, who ordered him strung up again with stronger rope.

This captain was put in charge of gathering a crew to fight piracy in the New England bays. Unfortunately for him, the crew mutinied pretty much right after they got on the ship, knocked out the captain and tossed him overboard.

Here’s my friend posing with the soon-to-be-tossed captain.

Here be a motley crüe of pirates having a super fun sleepover:



I forget what the story was with these fellows but they sure beheaded that one guy but good.

I love the expression on both their faces.

Apparently lots of  pirates are rumored to have buried their loot in New England Woods. Metal detector enthusiasts, start your time wasting!

The second-saddest pirate in New England.

Behold the horrors of the Pirate Dungeon!

It was so scary we fled in mortal terror.

However before exiting we were greeted by Pirate Howard Stern swinging in from the ceiling.

Alright! We got our fill of Pirates, but what about the wiiiiitcches?

That is not a witch, however 7th-grade-me is dying inside right now.

Uh, still not quite the witches I was hoping to see…

Wait a minute, this isn’t witchery, it’s Wiccanism! We wandered into a NEW AGE SHOP!

Talk about false promises.

What’s stranger, that you too can smell like Chivalry or Witches and Weeds, or that they’re sold out of everything but the Tester bottles?

For negative or positive purposes. It must be ph neutral.

In retrospect I should’ve bought this to shake at the next Ultimate Kickball tournament taking over McCarren Park.

Oh look, a charming wallfull of gentle wiccan wood-art. Wait, what the…


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I’ve been laughing at this much harder than it warrants.

The picture and audio are taken from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and the site’s created by Jim.

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