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Hey guys, I’m terribly sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately, Civilization is over. Not yet completely collapsed, mind you – for a brief time civilization will lumber onward on sheer momentum – but the event horizon of its destruction has been crossed, the decline well on its way. Prepare yourselves well for the coming collapse.

How do I know this? Behold:

teeny weeny bikinis

sexxxxxy phone

Skimming ebay, I came across this auction for “Sexy Thongs Bikini Briefs Case Cover For Protect iphone 4 / 4S / 5 Home Key”. It’s not just that someone thought up, designed, manufactured and is now selling tiny bikini bottoms for your inanimate portable computer that tolls the bell for humanity, it’s that this very auction has 20 watchers and 22 SOLD“What….why….WHY?!” you might ask. The auction helpfully explains:

“Designed to cover the home button and charging ports whilst giving your smart phone a sexy look.”

There you go. Achewood came surprisingly close to predicting this very day, and I presume if people are paying actual currency to imply their phone has genitalia they’re covering up, the full reveal of phone nuts cannot be far behind. The sheer variety of these rubber gewgaws has disturbing implications of shades and varieties of people who would want this object, from gaming nerds to girly-girls. An appeal to fashionistas with a Comme De Garcons ripoff further suggests this would appeal to all strata of consumer (which again, Achewood called with ChatSack by Karl Lagerfeld).

Look upon what the world has become, and despair.

stretchy

pink

red snake

Red-snake sounds like a terrible double-entendre.

skull

eyes

 

This, this is truly the most disturbing part. I’ve seen it happen before, where a stupid idea is birthed unto the world, takes on a life of its own, and begins mutating. Give it a year or two and the trend becomes so far removed from the original if looked at as a stand-alone the mind boggles at how this object came to be. This is only the beginning, people.

boxer briefs

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It’s been a busy September, preparing for the best and spookiest month of all: OCTOBER. Yes, cool weather, warm beverages, cider donuts, haunted everything, costume planning, and horror films as far as the eye can see – October has it all*.

I’ve been doing my small part for Spectacle Theater’s run of amazing midnight movies – check out the trailer for SATAN’S BLOOD (aka ESCALOFRIO, which literally translated means ‘feverish chill’ or just ‘chill’ – I can see why the English title might want to push the Satanic angle a bit more).

 

Now, a warning for the prudish (aka, me): this movie has SO MUCH SATANIC NUDITY. So. Much. I cannot emphasize how much nudity in direct correlation to Satanic activities this movie contains. At least 1/2 of its full running time has people completely naked, with 1/3 of that directly tied to Satanic activities. I understand this movie comes from Europe, where perhaps the culture’s a little more relaxed about struttin’ around nude. I mean, part of what makes America the country it is is its strong foundation of Puritan frowniness on the physical (and the corresponding mixed messages layered on top of that). But still, if you are not prepared for it, the amount of full-frontal in Satan’s Blood comes as a shock. It’s a midnight movie, so I’m assuming their jaded audiences won’t even blink twice, but as the person who had to watch, re-watch, trim and edit this, it was a bit much.

 

*You may have caught my exclusion of ‘pumpkin-flavored ____’, another October ubiquity. However much I love pumpkin flavored stuff, the same gaggle of ladies that irritate me the rest of the year would stab a man for the last Pumpkin Spice Latte, so I’m leaving it off the list of pure October delights.

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Man, it was difficult finding some of these videos. Apparently The Purple One takes umbrage at YouTube stealing his sexypower through video sharing.

Which Prince song is the catchiest?

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If anyone has trouble coming up with a Halloween costume next year, might I recommend Prince in this video? Either gender works, as long as you have someone of the opposite gender dressed up like the chick in the purple matador/80′s suit too.

What showmanship! Risking life and limb to literally swing in with the hits! In a zoot suit no less!


Which Prince video is most sexily disturbing?

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Can we all agree dance interpretations of movies rarely work well, especially when they hinge upon breakdance/grind-fighting between the two leads? Dammit, if only I could find the Oscar dance tribute to ‘Saving Private Ryan’.

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What with all the gentrification and family-friendlifying of New York, it’s easy to forget the city was and still remains a tiny space crammed full of people. Whether created in a higher being’s image, the fact remains one out of every one humans has weird predilections, quirks, beliefs and tastes, some of which, depending on the focus, get labeled ‘perversions’, and when you have this many humans jammed together there appear to be more perversions in the big, scary city than in the ‘safe’ suburbs. Really, it’s just a density issue.

bitch flavored mouthwash

Which might explain the casual strangeness strewn around New York- unlike the suburbs, there’s just not room to hide it.

Seriously, don’t click unless you want to be scarred by candy.

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This cannot be real. Nothing actually manufactured for use in office presentations could possibly be this funny. The production values are low enough and the dialogue weird enough, but it’s a little too perfect to be real. I could be wrong….but that zoom-out in the conference room is just too well-timed.


(I couldn’t choose one picture; they were all hilarious.)

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