stupidity

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Hammer timeThe Carltonbreakdancin' bearcatsuitdancey mansexy ladytrigger happywatusi

everybody

dance

now
Lookit Dancin’ Hitler go! Holy wow am I bored.

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Behold! I have wasted a whole day trying to properly format these, but they are complete! My high school films are available for your perusal and derision! The VHS tapes were old, so the color’s weird and the sound’s off, which will hopefully distract you from the awful acting and stories. I have a soft spot in my heart for these, mostly because I had a great time making them with my friends. I’m in most of them, just because we didn’t have actual actors, but there’s plenty of embarassment for all! Everyone I knew was in here at some point or another. I’ve been staring at a computer screen for far too long today, so I shall merely end with a link to my favorite one(it’s got zombies). If you’ve any queries, just comment away.

ZOMBIES AHOY!

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If you live on the East Coast and frequently watch t.v. at 2:00 a.m, the above phrase will seem much funnier to you(as spoken by the Hot Girls Party Line).

As a service to my fellow lethonumerics, I present these free internet services: Phone Spelling and PhoneSpell. There’s also the flashier DialABC, which also shows you tunes to play, and the exhaustive Phone To Number, which lists every possible combination, whether it makes sense or not.

All are essentially the same- you simply type in your phone number, and these sites tell you whether it spells out anything neat-o. I’ve managed to remember a friend’s number just because it spells out -BURN, and my sister was overjoyed to find out her new number is now -TOKE. Hah.

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My sister Rach loves games. I don’t think we’ve had a gathering or party where she hasn’t broken out with Catchphrase, and she’s always up for a round of Scrabble. So when upon a holiday excursion,we came across an electronic version of ’20 Questions!’, we knew we’d found a perfect gift. We did not realize I’d found a new nemesis.

20 Questions, as far as games go, is pretty self explanatory. Pick an animal, vegetable, mineral, or thing, and your friends try and figure out what it is within 20 questions. Simple. A few years back, someone put up a website where a supposed ‘Artificial Intelligence’ would guess what you were thinking, with 5 follow-up questions if it failed to guess correctly initially. The website grew in popularity, with the ‘a.i.’ “learning” more and more. Last year, a game company called ‘Radica’ licensed it, and it’s now available in several handheld versions. You can still visit the original website here.

Commercials for the toy have your average men on the street reacting wildly as it correctly guesses what they were thinking. 2 women shriek “it read my mind!!!” A group of black men point and yell like it just turned into a severed head. A couple solemnly takes the Lord’s name in vain. What all fail to realize is that it is just a small, plastic orb. It cannot actually read your mind; that technology isn’t handheld yet. Each answer has certain defining characteristics, and the game merely whittles its database down to whichever answer fits your input criteria. It is not actually artificial intelligence, otherwise it would be able to think laterally, grow in power, and eventually go global and take over our missile systems.

The supposed intellect bestowed upon this toy is made all the more irksome by its programmed smugness. Between questions, it interjects such witticisms as ‘I know what you’re thinking!’ ‘I guess you win…just kidding!’ and ‘You think you’re clever…’ Perhaps it was this that drove me to find all its mechanical weaknesses. Computers are inherently dumb; you have to teach them to do what you want. Through trial, error and a bit of unnecessary cursing, I found ’20 Questions’ has a hard time grasping imaginary beings, abstract concepts, and illicit substances.

Correctly Guessed
-Starfruit(my first attempt; this one really pissed me off because I figured it was a lesser-known fruit)

-Tire (suggested by my dad as we were driving)

-Molar

-Poop

-Cigarette

-Howler monkey

Incorrectly Guessed
-Wizard (guessed ‘dragon’, follow-up, ‘doctor’)

-Angst (guessed ‘disease’, follow-up, ‘nothingness’)

-Miniature Breadbox (guessed ‘breadbox’ even though I said it was smaller than a breadbox)

-Condom (suggested by my mom, guessed ‘grease’, follow-up, ‘lubricant’. Ew.)

-Unicorn (guessed ‘mule’, follow-up, ‘elephant’)

-Pot (guessed ‘tobacco’, follow-up, ‘a pipe’)

Keep in mind, all this was done during a 4-hour drive upstate with my entire family crammed in one vehicle. Eventually, I grew bored of picking objects for it to guess, and decided to see what it came up with for specific people.

John(friend, fellow livejournalist)- 1st guess: ‘soulmate’, follow-up: ‘Pikachu’.

Mel (sister)- 1st guess: ‘rock band’, 2nd guess: ‘vampire’, 3rd guess: ‘chef’, 4th guess: ‘zombie’.

Q30. I am guessing that it is a zombie?
Right, Wrong, Close

29. I guessed that it was a chef? Wrong.

28. Is it useful? Sometimes.

27. Can it run fast? Doubtful.

26. Do you use it in public? Irrelevant.

25. Is it commonly used? Irrelevant.

24. Is it taught in school? Sometimes.

23. Would you pay to use it? Irrelevant.

22. Is it located in the sky? No.

21. Do you find it in the sky? Rarely. (she only flies about once a year.)

20. I guessed that it was a vampire? Wrong.

19. I guessed that it was a rock band? Wrong.

18. Does it have cash value? Probably.

Does it serve a purpose? Unknown.

17. Do you find it in space? No.

16. Does it deal with imagination? Sometimes.

15. Can it growl? Yes.

14. Does it swim? Sometimes.

13. Is it considered intelligent? Usually. (“Totally”. Case in point.)

12. Does it have teeth? Yes.

11. Can you find it in a church? Rarely.

10. Is it independent? Sometimes.

9. Does it come from something larger? Maybe.

8. Does it have a spine? Yes.

7. Does it have scales? No.

6. Can you speak into it? No.

5. Can you see it in a zoo? No.

4. Does it live near water? No.

3. Can you buy it? Doubtful.

2. Does it like to run? No.

1. It is classified as Animal.

Ted Nugent(hunter, wild man, loincloth aficionado)- 1st guess: ape, 2nd guess: chick, 3rd guess: soulmate, 4th guess: woman, 5th guess: rock band, 6th guess: gypsy, 7th guess: dwarf.

Q30. I am guessing that it is a dwarf?
Right, Wrong, Close

29. I guessed that it was a gypsy? Wrong.

28. Is it comforting? Doubtful.

27. I guessed that it was a rock band? Close.

26. Can you make sounds with it ? Probably.

25. Is it used in a sport? No.(Unless there’s some Nuge drinking game I don’t know about.

24. I guessed that it was a woman? Wrong. (cute.)

23. Can it be tamed? No. (the Nuge is untamable.)

22. I guessed that it was a soulmate? Wrong.

21. Does it squirm? Sometimes.

20. I guessed that it was the human body? Close.

19. I guessed that it was a chick? Wrong.

18. Does it get really hot? Yes.

Does it taste sweet? Unknown.

Is it tasty? Unknown. (It should’ve asked if it made beef jerky.)

Can you make money by selling it? Unknown.

17. I guessed that it was an ape? Wrong.

16. Can you find it in a house? Sometimes.

15. Is it commonly used? Irrelevant.

14. Does it produce gas? Probably. (He is human.)

13. Does it have short fur? Probably.

12. Is it worth a lot of money? Probably.

11. Is it used for entertainment? Yes.

10. Can it save your life? Maybe. (He raises awareness of deadly Cat Scratch
Fever).

9. Is it a small mammal? No.

8. Does it perform? Yes. (And what a show!)

Is it a primate? Unknown.

Does it smell bad? Unknown.

7. Does it have a long tail? Depends. (sometimes he wears one during ‘Wango
Tango.)

6. Is it a type of mineral? No.

5. Does it need love? Maybe.

4. Is it brown? Sometimes.

3. Does it have striped fur? No.

2. Can it climb? Yes.

1. It is classified as Animal.

Me(your humble narrator)- 1st guess: soulmate, 2nd guess: chick. I figured that worked, so I stopped there. It accused me of cheating(‘I’ here is 20 Questions):

“20Q thinks these may be wrong
Do you use it in public? I say Yes.

Does it have a hole in it? I say No. (hello, mouth, nose…)

Is it commonly used? I say Yes. (This program has a low opinion of my virtue.)

Does it provide protection? I say Yes. (See, I know I’m a wuss.)

Is it hot? I say No. (Burn. Ooh, that’s a pun here.)

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