swimsuit

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hi·a·tus [hahy-ey-tuhs]
–noun, plural -tus·es, -tus.

1. a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.
2. a missing part; gap or lacuna: Scholars attempted to account for the hiatus in the medieval manuscript.
3. any gap or opening.

For the next season I’ll most likely keep ‘summer hours’; fewer posts while I attempt to make hay while the sun shines (sort of literally). In the meantime please enjoy this belated pattern in honor of Memorial Day and Fleet Week, the twice-yearly opportunity to scream ‘HEYYYYY SAIIILOOOR!’ on a crowded street without seeming like a complete nutjob.

Described as a ‘beach ensemble’, this 1934 outfit from Minerva manages to combine all the ridiculous fashions of the last few seasons: hats worn in inappropriate settings, rompers, ‘retro’-mania, too-short and too-long skirts, giant tassels, and to top it off, a giant pom-pom.

Actually the skirt’s not so bad, an appropriate tea-length nowhere near the silliness of this season’s ‘maxi’ length. Ladies, if you find a need to hold up the bottom of your outfit to avoid constantly tripping over it, it no longer meets the basic requirements of safety and has tipped over to the frippery of fashion. Then again, stripper heels (aka ‘platform heels’) are suddenly everywhere so we’ll probably see a lengthening of skirts and heightening of heels until we’re back in Italian Renaissance chopine territory. My, this section’s become an outlet for bitching cattily about fashion!

Honestly folks, wear whatever you want. If studying clothing throughout history has taught me anything it’s that every form of dangerous, ridiculous excess and exaggeration has been and will be tried, and this year’s model is no better or worse than what came 100 years before (except for maybe foot-binding, let’s not do that again).

Hoy!

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Living in the city, surrounded by remnants of its past glories, I occasionally long for the past. The Good Old Days, when men were men, and women were only interested in shopping and having babies. A time when the streets were filthy with the refuse of a thousand tenements and horse poop dried and pounded into brown dust blew into your face. A gentler time of youths in silly short pants and wild all-night boozers at illegal speakeasies sponsored by vicious gangsters. The Past. Sigh.

Well, while I continue tinkering with my Time Machine (currently a fax with a toaster strapped on top), we can all take a trip to that glorious past when women showing any amount of skin openly encouraged sexual harassment with this summer charmer!

lookit them gams
Red and White Striped Maillot Suit

From the notes:
If you like to be rushed, do your swimming in this hand knit suit. Even the buttons say “Rich Man!” Fits like a charm, is happiest when in the water and of course retains its shape always. Make it of Red and White Riviera yarn – or your pet color combination.”

I think they had a different definition of ‘rushed’ back then. They also had a definition of ‘rich man’; today you’d probably fall for the first Euro-guido with a trust fund that sidled up to you, but back then they taught ladies to hold out for serious wealth. I offer this brief guide to help when wearing the above outfit:

Rich jerk
A good start, but with that gauche display of expendable cash, he’s probably just Nouveau Riche. Keep going.

duke of windsor
Sharp dresser, titled, definitely a step up. But we’re looking for rich here, not just wealthy. Hold out a little more.

robber barons
Better, better! Guiltless smiles, stepping on fellow man in pursuit of even more cold, hard cash; DEFINITELY on the right track.

The Ultra Rich
BOOYEAH! Straddling the symbols of liberty and freedom with a disdainful sneer? HE’S A CATCH GO GET HIM LADIES!

Enough with the funny, make with the pattern already.

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