I seem to gather pseudo-ailments much as teachers acquire knicknacks; well-intended by the giver but useless to the receiver. Nearly every checkup I go in feeling pretty swell, only to be diagnosed with another minor symptom by some well-meaning doctor. At this point I have seasonal allergies, a deviated septum, mild sinusitis, retinal drifting, corneal sensitivity, slight knock-knee, rounded shoulders, Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) Syndrome, and caffeine sensitivity.
That last one I find most annoying, if only because I’ve ‘had’ it longest. As a kid I used to flip out when, sitting quietly on the sofa my heart would start racing like I’d run a mile. Assuming I was about to die (my usual reaction to anything slightly abnormal-loud noises, sudden gusts of wind, stuffy nose, etc.), it would take me several minutes to realize I’d had a soda earlier, triggering a rapid heart rate as my body processed the caffeine. As the years passed I gave up soda in favor of the delicious elixir known as coffee, but due to the slightest bit of caffeine jolting my system for hours at a go, it was a slow transition.
I can still remember the first cup I had- during my teenaged years my family and I were over our friends’ house for the evening. Their son, a year older than me, had confidently chugged coffee for years and was fixing himself another mug. Originally more intrigued by the cup than the contents (it had awesome stylized whales all over), I inquired as to his fondness for the oily-looking stuff. He proffered the mug and I took a sip, promptly spitting it out into the sink. What was this bitter, acrid brew and how was it considered fit for human consumption? He kindly offered to fix up a cup more to my liking. Eight sugars and a gallon of milk later, I declared it decent. He shook his head at my folly, and was right to do so.
Things done by half-measure aren’t worth doing, in my opinion (though it should be noted I’m a rampant hypocrite), so when it came to coffee consumption since I could not enjoy it straight, I did not enjoy it at all. Of course, the fact that a quarter-cup turned me into a rambling, ADD version of myself helped quite a bit. I laughed at the coffee addicts who needed a cup of the stuff just to reach coherence, the headaches claimed should they be denied their precious liquid.
Then came the drudgery of office work. The sort of office work where it’s 90 degrees outside and 30 degrees inside. Where most of the women wear shoulder pads unironically. Where the highlight of your week is someone bringing in stale Entenmann’s danishes and leaving them in the communal kitchen. For years I’ve maintained that there are only two acceptable reasons to start a bad habit: boredom and looking cool. They’re not really justifiable reasons, but they get to the heart of the matter. Mostly.
Sitting at work, in the 8th hour stretch of staring at a screen filled with ‘RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Stapler Usage Rules I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE WHOLE OFFICE’, I thought, what is free that I can take from this place that takes so much from me? Barring the random luck of Entenmann’s, the only constants in most office communal kitchens are a drawer full of plastic utensils, hundreds of Sweet n’ Low packets, and coffee.
Coffee! Yes! Not only did it wire me up to type thrice as fast, but it gave me an excuse to get up and away from my desk! With a prop in my hand I had reason to dawdle around the kitchen and hear the minutiae of utterly pointless office gossip. Early on I stuck to a cup a day, but as tedium wore on, the thought of an instant perk-me-up grew more appealing.
I countered by developing extreme coffee snobbery, only imbibing one perfect fancy-man espresso-based beverage a day. I still catch myself turning down regular drip coffee, citing my preference for ‘bullshit coffee’, ie fancy espresso drinks where they make a pretty pattern with the steamed milk and tell you where each bean came from.
Unfortunately, I landed an excellent position in an office where the boss was as much a coffee snob as I. In addition to the usual drip coffee machine, replete with shelves of limited edition artisinal roasts, sat an honest-to-goodness espresso machine. A sign next to it said ‘DO NOT USE WITHOUT ASKING BOSS FOR TUTORIAL’. The first thing I did after getting the office tour was walk into his office and ask how to use the machine, apparently the only person there to do so. For reference, I neglected to visit payroll until a month down the line when I wondered why I hadn’t been paid yet. I know my priorities.
I am currently at the peak of my coffee consumption, a laughably low 2 cups a day, max. For me however, that’s the equivalent of chugging a 64 oz. super gulp of Extreme Coffee (a truck stop brand that boasted of adding taurine and other energy boosters ). I could whittle it down to nothing, or perhaps switch to wussy decaf (again, do not like the half-assed measures), but where’s the fun in that?
