why

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Hey guys, I’m terribly sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately, Civilization is over. Not yet completely collapsed, mind you – for a brief time civilization will lumber onward on sheer momentum – but the event horizon of its destruction has been crossed, the decline well on its way. Prepare yourselves well for the coming collapse.

How do I know this? Behold:

teeny weeny bikinis

sexxxxxy phone

Skimming ebay, I came across this auction for “Sexy Thongs Bikini Briefs Case Cover For Protect iphone 4 / 4S / 5 Home Key”. It’s not just that someone thought up, designed, manufactured and is now selling tiny bikini bottoms for your inanimate portable computer that tolls the bell for humanity, it’s that this very auction has 20 watchers and 22 SOLD“What….why….WHY?!” you might ask. The auction helpfully explains:

“Designed to cover the home button and charging ports whilst giving your smart phone a sexy look.”

There you go. Achewood came surprisingly close to predicting this very day, and I presume if people are paying actual currency to imply their phone has genitalia they’re covering up, the full reveal of phone nuts cannot be far behind. The sheer variety of these rubber gewgaws has disturbing implications of shades and varieties of people who would want this object, from gaming nerds to girly-girls. An appeal to fashionistas with a Comme De Garcons ripoff further suggests this would appeal to all strata of consumer (which again, Achewood called with ChatSack by Karl Lagerfeld).

Look upon what the world has become, and despair.

stretchy

pink

red snake

Red-snake sounds like a terrible double-entendre.

skull

eyes

 

This, this is truly the most disturbing part. I’ve seen it happen before, where a stupid idea is birthed unto the world, takes on a life of its own, and begins mutating. Give it a year or two and the trend becomes so far removed from the original if looked at as a stand-alone the mind boggles at how this object came to be. This is only the beginning, people.

boxer briefs

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You know that game where you and your friends talk about what you’d do if you were super rich? Not just ordinary philanthropist rich but Oprah/Bill Gates rich where you could buy and sell small countries or recreate sea battles in real Spanish galleons wearing the finest silk breeches? I often imagine recording a series of books on tape; not the usual sort of ‘Patrick Stewart reads Shakespeare’ pablum, more like ”Danzig reads the Old Testament” or ”Gary Busey reads ‘The Manhunter‘. Never did I expect celebrities themselves would beat me to the punch:


‘Crispin Glover on Speakaboos’

‘Speakaboos’ are stories and poems read aloud online (so you needn’t exert your voice on mere children) framed by a cutesy magic forest with rollover orders and video accompaniment. For reasons beyond my fathom they decided the man behind ‘What Is It?’ was perfect for ‘Little Miss Muffet’ and ‘Jack and Jill’. Listening to his precise enunciation, never have I been so terrified for the safety of Miss Muffet.

Perhaps Mr. Glover approached them; it seems quite possible he’d enjoy scaring wee-uns and making bank (his outsider art movies don’t pay for themselves, you know). Still, the entire collaboration is strange on many levels. In no way does the pastel, cutesy imagery match the serious intensity of the voiceover, Speakaboos seem more a project than a real business, and of all celebrities to approach for your beta-testing readings, WHY CRISPIN GLOVER?

UPDATE: It seems they approached several other celebrities, including Jon Cryer, Harry Shearer, John Krasinski, Kevin Bacon and Tom Arnold. Huh. Still doesn’t make much sense.

None of this detracts from the enjoyment of seeing the two short videos; do click above and enjoy.

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There’s an awful lot of Virgin Mary sightings amongst these news clips. Keep an eye peeled for the Amish Wal-Mart.

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Oh my god, there's more of them!!!

Click on the Psychlo to check out the 100 Worst Movies of All Time(the one at the top). Some of these I’ve watched with tongue in cheek(‘Manos: Hands of Fate’), some I disagree with(‘Natural Born Killers’) some I have absolutely no idea how I even came to see them(‘Barb Wire’). Wow. I think that was 3:30 a.m. on the SciFiChannel, actually. A lot of them are right on the money.

The way I feel one can best judge a film to be amongst the worst is a strong blood-rage to strangle the director/writer(you’re mine someday, Godard), or an unstoppable compulsion to reiterate how awful the film was for at least 2 hours after viewing, sporadically shouting in the midst of conversations things like “Gaaaah!! Why the hell were C3PO and R2 even there?! That fucking precocious little kid!!! AAAHH, my brain is hemmorraging…(various gurgling noises)”

There’s great difference between ‘bad’ as in ‘godawful’ and ‘bad’ as in ‘campy’, much of my time being spent actively seeking out the latter. Sometimes I wonder if precious time was wasted enjoying such dregs as ‘Stickfighter 2′ or ‘AstroZombies’. Then I realize Hollywood’s making ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’, and I can sleep at night knowing most movies are wastes of time anway; why not go for the ones logic has never touched?

A smattering of the best:

Ninja Death Squad. Why settle for one plot when you could have two completely seperate ones at the same time? The first one involves a vaguely Bon-Jovi looking fellow with the power to badly cut to a completely different guy who can fling toilet-paper at his enemies. The other focuses on some guy named(I swear it sounds like) Madonna, who single-handedly kills off 1/3 of China for purposes I have yet to fathom. Seperately, they go about their business- Bon Jovi avenging his girlfriend’s death and Madonna planting exploding flower bouquets at political rallies held at abandoned castles. Such is the life for ninjas. Which they are, I think. They have a common enemy, or at least the same guy hanging out in the woods, and team up to defeat him using their ultimate ninja weapon-splitting into three people and holding up a sign that says ‘BOOM’ while the other two push down an ACME dynamite exploder and blowing him to kingdom come. Thus it is that good triumphs over guys sitting in the woods.

I was about to go into Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, when I realized the epic craptasticness of this film calls for its own entry. Holy merciful pidgeons, I only hope I’m up for the task.

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